What To Consider When Naming Your Child
March 8th, 2010What To Consider When Naming Your Child
Naming your child is a fairly stress-free endeavor. After all, their name will only be with them for the rest of their life. It’s not like it’s a permanent decision or anything.
It’s a huge decision and one that is usually wrought with worry, headaches, and lots of heavy drinking.
So to make the experience of naming your baby easier, and even pleasurable, the first thing you need to do is relax. Chances are you’ll make so many mistakes raising your child that the first name you give them is so far down on their list of grievances that they won’t even hold it against you.
After relaxing, you and your partner need to start discussing names for your baby as soon as possible. Picking a name while the nurse is standing next to your hospital bed with her pen hovering over the birth certificate is the perfect storm for naming your child after something in the room like “syringe,” “epidural,” or “blanket.”
Make a list of baby names you like. This will help you and your partner to whittle down your choices, it will keep you organized, and it will show you what your baby’s name looks like on paper. It’s also a good way to practice your penmanship.
Finally don’t listen to anyone’s advice, except of course the advice in this article. It’s your child and you’re the one who gets to name him or her. Whatever name you decide to go with will ultimately be the right choice… unless its “Gavin”, then you’ve really screwed up.
Amanda Hugginkiss (A Man to Hug and Kiss), Helen Back (Hell and Back)
It’s unfortunate but we live in a cruel world. While you, your mother, and your favorite aunt may not see the potential ribald quality in a name, every public school student in the world will. Therefore, if your last name is Butz, naming your son “Harry” or your daughter “Emma” is out of the question. Here are a few more to avoid:
- Anita Bath (I Need A Bath)
- Barb Dwyer (Barbed Wire)
- Eileen Dover (I Leaned Over)
- Clara Sabell (Clear as a Bell)
- Megan Bacon (Makin’ Bacon)
- Sue Ridge (Sewage)
Even if “Craven” has been passed down through your family for generations you have to skip it if your last name is Morehead. And it goes without saying that “Richard” is off the table if your last name is Head, Face, or Weed.
Sure kids (and adults) are creative, and can make just about any name sound dirty, but you have to at least make it difficult for them. Also, while our minds are in the gutter let’s do a quick check on your baby’s initials. If your last name is Thomas and you plan on naming your daughter “Tina Ingrid” or your son “Zachary Ingrid” you might want to go back to the drawing board.
Hoda or Peyton
Naming your child after someone is a big honor but be careful if it’s a famous person. While several famous people have names (both first and last) that are conducive for baby names, most do not.
For instance, no matter how much you like their music “Lady Gaga” and/or “T-Pain” are bad names for your baby. Not only that, but the chances celebrities like that will still be celebrities when your child is old enough to understand is practically zero. There’s an exception to this rule however. It’s always acceptable, and actually encouraged, to name your kids “Regis” or “Oprah.”
John or Jane
Using the internet you can quickly find a list of the most popular baby names for a given year. This will give you an ideal if your prospective baby name is unique or not. It’s strictly a personal choice but be careful, if you pick the year’s most popular name your son or daughter runs the risk of being “Aiden B.” or “Isabella L.” for their 12 years of school.
However, if you deviate from the list of popular names be aware of the risks. Unpopular names can be hard to pronounced and hard to spell. Those things aren’t inherently bad but they should still factor into your decision. Also, an extremely unique name may make your child a target of ridicule, or worse yet a talk show host.
Moonunit or Zowie
Do not follow the lead of celebrities and their choices for baby names unless you can, and are willing to, pay for your child’s therapy. Most children of celebrities are destined for the psychiatrist’s couch anyways (or worse), so it really doesn’t matter if they have to live with burden of being named “Dweezil,” “Scout,” “Apple”, or “Moxie Crimefighter.”
Basically, celebrities are so starved for attention they name their kid “Chair” or “Hydraulics” to attract more attention to themselves. Do you really need to burden your child with a name like “Portico” or “Uranium” just so you can be different?
John Tjarnqvist or Madeline Jones
Keep in mind the relative exoticness of your last name. A family name like Smith opens up the door for multisyllabic names like “Theodore” or “Elizabeth.” Multisyllabic and unique last name like Azubuike or Scalabrine open themselves up for strong, destined-to-be-successful, first names like “Jason” and “Amy.”
Baby Name Checklist
- Will your baby’s name sound dirty to the average middle school student?
- Will your baby’s first name rhyme with its last name?
- How will your baby’s first name sound in conjunction with their last name?
- Do you want a popular baby name or a unique baby name?
- What is the meaning of your baby name? Do you even care what it means?
- Is your baby’s name easy to pronounce?
- Is your baby’s name easy to spell?
- What would your baby’s initials be and do they spell anything naughty?
- Are you giving your baby a stripper’s name? (Kendra, Shyla, Amber)
- Are you giving your baby a dog’s name? (Chloe, Bo, Sophie)
- Are you considering naming your baby after a state, day-of-the-week, planet, or primary color? If so, don’t.
- Are you naming your baby after someone? If so, are they worthy of the honor?
- Are you thinking of a traditional name with a unique spelling? If so, don’t. Teachers and your child will thank you later.

